Some people take offence when you have a strong defense. The fighting cock which stands motionless like a block of wood strikes fear into its opponents because they can find nowhere to penetrate its confidence. It wins without a fight (不战而胜). By standing on an undefeatable ground (立于不败之地), other people may feel threatened because they cannot defeat you but they are not so confident about themselves. When you have no emotional attachment, you don’t feel sad or angry. Some people may mistake that you don’t care about them. Therefore, they may not like you because of your insensitivity to their emotions.
Zi Sang Hu, Meng Zi Fan, and Zi Qin Zhang were good friends. One day, they said to each other: “Who can love each other but not thinking about loving each other? Who can help each other but not thinking about loving each other? Like all things in the Nature which are related to each other, but never intended to be related to each other (love/help each other but no emotional attachment). They finally forget about life and death; and they travel together to the edge of the universe.” They smiled to each other about the natural friendship that they had (so natural like loving yourself but not thinking about loving yourself). Not long later, Zi Sang Hu died. A disciple of Confucius, Zi Gong, attended the funeral. He saw Meng Zi Fan was fixing a tool for his silkworm farm and Zi Qin Zhang was practicing his musical instrument. Then, he saw the two friends sang: “Zi Sang Hu, oh Zi Sang Hu. You have returned to your original form, but we are still stuck with the shape of human.” Zi Gong asked: “You are singing to the dead body of someone. Is that a good manner for the occasion?” The two friends smiled at each other and asked Zi Gong: “Do you know what manners are?” Zi Gong went back and asked Confucius: “What kind of people are they? Why they have no qualm about breaking the manners as set by the society? How could they sing to their dead friend and show no sorrow or feel ashamed?” Confucius said: “They are people who live outside the box (方外). We are people who live inside the box (方内). They are people who rise above the common world. We are people within the common world. They make friends with the Nature. We make friends with people. Hence, they accept the changes by the Nature, so they don’t feel sorrow for the death of their friends (because death is one of the changes by the Nature). We are bound by humanity rules and manners, like wrongdoers. (We feel guilty although we didn’t do anything wrong.) They must be laughing at us.” Zi Gong asked: “My master, why do you choose to stay inside the box, and accept the binding of humanity rules and manners, like a criminal who is brought to the prison? Why don’t you take a journey to outside the box?” Confucius said: “I would tour outside the box from time to time.” Zi Gong asked: “How did you do that?” Confucius said: “Fish will live comfortably where there is water. Human will live comfortably where there is Dao. If water is the only thing needed to live comfortably, a pond full of water is enough. If Dao is the only thing needed to live comfortably, one will be at peace when he acquires the natural Dao. When a fish swims in the river or lake, it will feel free and forget about the surrounding water. When a person acquires the natural Dao, he will feel contented and happy and forget about the existence of Dao. (We don’t normally be aware or mindful of the existence of oxygen, although we know we breathe it all the time.) A gentleman of the common world is just a little man (with little brain) to someone who lives above the common world.” In the common world, a person who follows the manners as set by the society is considered a gentleman. However, by following the rules, his thinking is usually bound by the rules. He is not free and flexible; he doesn’t have freedom of thoughts (思想解放). Therefore, he is not highly regarded when he is viewed under the perspective of natural Dao which is unbounded and totally free.
The above is a story told by Zhuang Zi. Confucius in the story is fictitious. Zhuang Zi had high respect for Confucius, although he didn’t agree with the teaching of Confucius. He believed Confucius knew the Dao or the ultimate truth but chose the pragmatic path which was more easily accepted by the common people. Unfortunately, Confucius advocacies for compassion and righteousness were not practical during the Warring State period; a country would soon be conquered by its neighbor if it didn’t have harsh rules on conscription of army and large budget from heavy taxes, hence cannot afford to practice compassion and righteousness. Fixed principles are not suitable for a rapidly changing world.
If you think, therefore you express your love, that behavior is unnatural because it is not spontaneous. If you love someone naturally, you will not think about loving; like babies playing together. Natural love for each other needs not incur emotional burden.
RESILIENT KID 