Companionship and Sharing
When people talk about the benefits of staying single, it is always about freedom and keeping everything (energy, time, money) for the sensual pleasure (of the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind) of oneself. They are not into sharing all these with others, although they may occasionally share a little with family members and friends, and make donations for charity. There is nothing wrong about that. The only thing wrong to do in this world is to make yourself unhappy now or in the future. Loving oneself is much more important than loving others. It is not wrong to be selfish, but it is not necessarily right.
When people talk about the bads of being married, it is always about the loss of freedom and everything (energy, time, money, sensual pleasure of the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind) to share with spouse, children, and in-laws. They dislike sharing all these with others, even though they are actually sharing these precious things voluntarily or involuntarily. They often forget about the benefits of sharing, and the benefits of being married. As I said earlier, making yourself unhappy is the only thing wrong to do in this world. You are doing much more wrong to make yourself unhappy due to regrets and guilt about the past decisions, and also fear, anger, anxiety, grief, lamentation and despair due to worry about the future. Loving oneself is much more important than loving others. It is not wrong to be selfish, but it is not necessarily right. It is not wrong to dislike sharing what you have with others, but it is not necessarily right.
When people talk about the benefits of being married, it is always about some newfound freedom (from authoritarian parents) and the happiness of sharing everything (energy, time, money, sensual pleasure of the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind) with spouse, children, and in-laws. The fortunate ones and the blessed ones find happiness in companionship, sharing (i.e. doing Dana) and loving others (i.e. radiation of Metta). There is nothing wrong with preferring to be married or to stay single. It is a personal choice; and there are good and bad in everything. The only thing wrong to do in this world is to make yourself unhappy now or in the future. Loving oneself is much more important than loving others. However, it would be even better to love yourself and others at the same time. It is unwise to make yourself unhappy due to the personal choice which you have chosen.
The Buddha is sometimes referred to as The Fortunate One or The Blessed One because he found perpetual happiness, and a more superior form of happiness, for himself and also brought various kinds of happiness to others. Giving birth to a good child (like Gotama or any benevolent layperson) is not a mistake. Educating him well will bring much welfare and happiness to the world. A man and a woman getting married is not the reason why a child is born; it is due to his kamma and clinging to the world in his past life which leads to his rebirth. He will be reborn into this world another way if not this way. The fortunate and blessed ones will have the honor of receiving him into this world as their child. One should never say that it was a mistake that he was born; or it was a mistake that his parents didn’t stay single; or getting married is wrong.
When people talk about the bads of staying single, it is always about the lack of companionship, love and happiness in sharing everything (energy, time, money, sensual pleasure of the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind) with others. The unfortunate ones and the unblessed ones are deprived of happiness when they can’t find a true friend as a companion to share (i.e. doing Dana) and to love (i.e. radiation of Metta). There is nothing wrong with preferring to be married or to stay single. It is a personal choice; and there are good and bad in everything. The only thing wrong to do in this world is to make yourself unhappy now or in the future. Loving oneself is much more important than loving others. When one finds the more superior form of happiness by being aloof from sensual pleasure and staying secluded, staying single is probably the best thing in the world. However, it would be unwise to make yourself unhappy due to the personal choice which you have chosen. The Holy path is for the alone, by the alone, and for the alone. One must learn to enjoy being alone if he wants to stay single; the happiness must come from inner peace at will and not from sensual desires. Otherwise, a lot of dangers will be waiting for him in the future. Nothing is permanent; everything is impermanent. Sensual pleasure, health, wealth, body, friendship, fame, and everything you own will leave you sooner or later, and everyone must face illness and death in the future. However, you only lose what you cling to. If you cling to nothing, you are incapable of losing anything. There will be no mental suffering when you face illness and death.
The conclusion is: whether you choose to stay single or to be married, you must walk the Noble Eightfold Path diligently so that you find perpetual happiness, the more superior form of happiness from inner peace at will, which the outer world can never rob it away from you. You must realize that your every unhappiness is due to your own greed, hatred and delusion; but not to be blamed on others although there are external conditioners. If you choose to be happy, and you have the mental strength to do that, nobody will have the privilege to decide what kind of emotional state you are allowed to have. You will attain perfection of virtue, equanimity and wisdom. You cannot possibly deserve to have a true friend with good virtue, equanimity and wisdom if you don’t have them in yourself. Birds of a feather flock together.
Companionship is very important whether you choose to stay single or to be married. The key issue is to find a good companion who will walk with you on the spiritual path of perfecting your virtue, equanimity and wisdom. This companion can be your teacher, friend (same or opposite sex), student, spouse, or child. No official ceremony is necessary. External conditioners which will affect us, physically and mentally, are unavoidable in life. Companions will help each other weather through the hardships and encourage each other to walk the spiritual path. One can of course still stay alone in his inner world. Benefits to oneself, to others, and from others are not necessarily bad.
The Buddha said: “Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, and comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path. And how does a monk who has admirable people as friends, companions, and comrades, develop and pursue the noble eightfold path? There is the case where a monk develops the right view dependent on seclusion, dependent on dispassion, dependent on cessation, resulting in relinquishment.” – SN 45.2: Upaddha Sutta
“And what is meant by admirable friendship? There is the case where a lay person, in whatever town or village he may dwell, spends time with householders or householders’ sons, young or old, who are advanced in virtue. He talks with them, engages them in discussions. He emulates consummate conviction [in the principle of kamma] in those who are consummate in conviction, consummate virtue in those who are consummate in virtue, consummate generosity in those who are consummate in generosity, and consummate discernment in those who are consummate in discernment. This is called admirable friendship.” — AN 8.54
“Monks, Kassapa here is content with any old robe. He praises contentment with any robe, nor does he commit any offense of unseemliness or impropriety on account of a robe. If he has not got a robe, he does not worry; if he has got a robe he enjoys the use of it without clinging or foolish attachment, not committing any offense, aware of the danger and wisely avoiding it. Kassapa is content with whatever alms he gets, whatever lodging, whatever requisites in the way of medicines for sickness. He enjoys the use of these things without clinging or foolish attachment, not committing any offense, aware of the danger and wisely avoiding it. Therefore, monks, you should train yourselves thus: We will be content with whatever robe, alms, lodging, medicines, we may get. We will enjoy the use of these things without clinging or foolish attachment, not committing any offense, aware of the danger and wisely avoiding it.” – SN 16.1
Some individuals arrogantly advise others to stay single or to be married, as if they know best what is right for others. They instruct others to live in the present moment and not worry about the future. This sounds similar to Buddha’s teaching but it is actually different. They are instructing others to indulge in sensual pleasure, taking drugs, or jumping out of a cliff (like bungee jumping) as if the kamma will not lead to bad fruitions. They are just ignorant and oblivious of the dangers which are waiting for them.
Train yourself thus: We will be content with whatever companion we may get. We will enjoy the use of this companion without clinging or foolish attachment, not committing any offense, aware of the danger and wisely avoiding it. If you have not got a companion, do not worry. You will get a good companion if you deserve him/her. Never regret about the past because all are parts and parcels of the training, experiences, and conditions necessary for the fruition of virtue, equanimity and wisdom. Without the past, there is no present and future.
RESILIENT KID 