EMPATHY AND COMPASSION

Table of Content: HOW TO RAISE A RESILIENT KID: I AM NOT RIGHT BUT THAT’S OK

Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Compassion means sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others; it doesn’t mean you share the suffering feelings of another. Buddha must have seen countless of people who were suffering from all kinds of misfortunes. He had great compassion for them, but never empathy; otherwise he would have died of broken-heart and not lived to 80 years old. You don’t have to take responsibility for the suffering of anyone.

If two things are tied together by a rope, there is then a physical connection between the two. When something happened to one of them, the other will feel the force or tension. A child is connected to his mother only when he is still a fetus in the mother’s womb. After he is born, there is physically no more connection. The fact that he is the son to his mother will never change; it is a linguistic definition. However, whatever happened to him should have no effect on his mother. Unfortunately, we often choose to “see” that there is a connection between us and our children. The connection is a virtual one; i.e. the connection actually isn’t there, but we choose to fool ourselves and trick our minds to “see” that it is there; hence we share the feelings of our children. The same happens to all other kind of relationships. We develop empathy for our parents, spouse, family members, friends and even strangers. The empathy is really unnecessary; when someone feels sad, there is no good at all for another to share the sadness. Demanding for empathy is an act of selfishness and bullying, like forcing a person to drown together with another. Buddha teaches us to have no emotional attachment to anybody. However, we must show compassion for the suffering, and we must show kindness to help in any ways we can. Expressing true compassion is good for our mental health and also beneficial for the relationship.

You were nothing until the moment you became an embryo in your mother’s womb. The Nature is truly mysterious and fascinating. You then start to have a body when you were born; but after you die, you will be back to nothing. In one sense, you borrowed the body from the Nature. Your body doesn’t belong to you or anybody else but the Nature. Like borrowing a book from the library, you use it carefully but you can’t guarantee its condition will not deteriorate. (You can’t buy the body because the Nature has no desire to sell it, and your money is also borrowed from the Nature anyway. The Nature has no desire for anything from anybody.) By the time you are required to return it, you must let go and have no desire to keep it any longer. Having no desire to keep your body doesn’t mean you give it up now. Before the due date, you are free to use it for your happiness. Similarly, the relationships with your parents, spouse, children, family members, friends, and everybody else do not belong to you. However, you don’t have to give them up now but use them for your happiness. When the time is up, let them go without any feeling of sorrow. I don’t think Buddha ever felt sad for the death of anybody; of course, it doesn’t mean he felt happy either.

You may think it is easy to say but difficult to do since you are not Buddha; but it may not be as difficult as you think. It is a matter of mindset change. When someone lost a diamond, you will not feel sad because the diamond doesn’t belong to you. When you lost a diamond, you will not feel sad if you never have the desire to keep it simply because you don’t see the diamond as a precious thing, and you are mindful that it doesn’t belong to you. You will see diamond as a precious thing only if someone else assigns a high price to it. In other words, you are tricked by someone to see diamond as a precious thing. Nevertheless, you may have many tools at home although they are not precious. Do feel free to use them for your happiness. If you can pick up something, there is no reason you can’t put it down (拿得起放得下). It is a matter of whether you want to put it down, or you are unwilling to put it down because you want to keep the “precious” thing.

Qin Shi attended the funeral of Lao Zi. He made a few crying sounds and left. One of the disciples of Lao Zi asked: “Were you not the Master’s friend? Is it then sufficient for you to mourn no better than you just did? You don’t seem to feel sorrow for the loss of a friend.” Qin Shi replied: “I am certainly a friend of Lao Zi. My expression just now to send him off is appropriate. When I came to mourn, I found many people crying out loud although they were not relatives of Lao Zi. This is the kind of punishment on people who go against the Nature, entirely due to the ignorance of themselves. The Master came at his right time into the world. When his time was up, he left the world peacefully without any hesitation. It goes perfectly in harmony with the Nature. Our sorrow or rejoice have no effect on his mind. He is naturally free of emotional attachment and suffering. This is what our ancestors called the great relief from all punishments of being hanged upside-down. Therefore, there is no need for me to feel sorrow.” He who awaits his time, who submits when his work is done, in his life there is no room for sorrow or rejoice.

A disciple asked Confucius: “In the funeral of his mother, Meng Sun Cai cried without tears. He didn’t feel sad and showed no sign of sorrow. However, he is widely known in the Lu State as an expert in funeral ceremony. I suspect that he doesn’t really have the substance despite the fame. Am I right or wrong?” Confucius said: “Meng Sun Cai is really a subject-matter expert. He has done everything perfectly according to the funeral requirements. The ceremony should be simplified but the society refuse to change. Anyway, Meng Sun Cai has done some simplifications. He doesn’t want to harp on about why we live and why we die. He doesn’t care whether he will die earlier or later than his peers. He leaves it to the Mother Nature to make the arrangement; and wait patiently for the forthcoming changes which he has no way of knowing in advanced. When the changes happen, what good is there to prefer no changes? If the changes don’t happen, what good is there to wish for changes to happen? You and I have been dreaming for so many years and yet to wake up! To Meng Sun Cai, changes to the body will not affect his mind. Death is just a migration of a person’s spirit to an unknown world. Meng Sun Cai is an enlightened person. He complied with the requirements of funeral ceremony and cried along just to satisfy the societal practices. Is the body which is dying really me or just an avatar of me? Should I feel sad for the changes to the body which is just a vehicle (and not really who I am)? You dreamt of being a bird flying in the sky, or a fish swimming in the river. You speak as if you are awake now, but how can you be sure that you are not in a dream at the moment? Stay peaceful all the time and let the Mother Nature makes all the arrangements. Forget about life and death, success and failure.”

Zhuang Zi’s wife was dead. When Hui Shi went to the funeral, he saw Zhuang Zi beating a drum and singing. Hui Shi said: “Your wife lived with you and raised your children for you. She became old and died. Not only you don’t cry but you beat the drum and sing. Don’t you think that is improper?” Zhuang Zi said: “Not really. Let me explain. Soon after her last breath, how could I have no emotion at all? However, after calming down later, I recalled that we had no life at the beginning. We didn’t even have a body. In the vagueness of the Nature, the unknown natural changes gave rise to our bodies and then we became alive. The death of my wife is as natural as the four seasonal changes in a year. She has returned to her original form and is now resting peacefully in the giant bedroom of the Nature. If I cry out loud, it will disturb her sleep. Then, I am being rude and unreasonable for not understanding the nature of lifecycle. Therefore, I choose to stop crying.”

You should start learning to have no desire (无欲) now; no desire for emotional attachment to your body or anybody. Having no emotional attachment doesn’t mean you can’t keep what you have; it means you can give it up anytime with no hesitation. It will be difficult to do it if you haven’t been practicing the mental preparedness. You can love everybody and wish the Mother Nature is kind to you; but you will not feel sad if you are mentally prepared to see your wish being rejected by the Mother Nature, like not winning a lottery. You can feel very excited in playing a computer game, but you will not feel sad if you are mentally prepared for the eventual game over. Life is just a game; have fun with it, but don’t let fun turns into sorrow just because the game has to end. Life can have a series of sad moments if you indulge in too much desire, too many competitions, and too much possession. Hope is nevertheless an indulgence.