Table of Content: HOW TO RAISE A RESILIENT KID: I AM NOT RIGHT BUT THAT’S OK
I wrote this blog with a happy spirit and a lot of joys. My 10-year-old daughter, Yu Rui (玉睿), said that I enjoyed writing it so much that I forgot my meal and sleep. She also enjoyed helping me with English translations of some stories of Zhuang Zi. She is so cheerful and innocent (天真无邪). She can make a fuss one minute ago but start laughing as soon as she watch a crazy funny clip on YouTube. The unhappy thought doesn’t stay in her mind (不住相), like a baby. I have much to learn from her. Of course, she also has much to learn from the world. Every morning, I would tell her to stay crazy. I hope the education system won’t make her lost the precious treasure of cheerfulness as she grows older.
Many children have lost the ability to be cheerful due to the “education” from the schools and the society. They are easily enraged by the “wrong doings” of classmates because of the doctrines of what is right and what is wrong that they cannot change. They have so much intolerance and “allergic” to many people and many things. They are easily sad when they fail to meet their “responsibility” to please the parents, family members, friends, classmates, the schools, and the society. They are afraid to be happy, because they are ashamed to show crazy happy emotions; they are so serious and so worry about their image and what other people think. They mourn for the past, worry about the future, and anticipate troubles. They have a lot of fears, obligations, and guilt (F.O.G.). They have so much desire for success, wealth, fame, external beauty, delicious food and perfect health, so much so that their incomes always lag behind their appetites, so they are always not satisfied with their lives. They have lost the natural contentment and birthright happiness.
My 14-year old son, Lian Zhi (廉智), likes to ask many questions. I have many things to write because of those questions. One time, he asked me: “How to be right all the time?” My answer to him was: “Don’t desire to be right. Instead, don’t be afraid to be not-right, so long as you are not wrong.” Wanting to be right is arrogant. It will only make you unhappy. Stay crazy and stay foolish.
Compassion and righteousness are beautiful things for a person to have because these values can bring happiness to the person. An angry person cannot at the same time be happy. However, compassion and righteousness become ugly when people are demanded to show these values. We must accept the fact that different cultures have different doctrines about what compassion and righteousness mean. What we consider right is the result of mental preconditioning, and other people with different mental preconditioning may consider it to be wrong. If everybody chooses to abandon the desire to be right and the desire for other people to be right, he will not be troubled by criticisms and he will show more humility towards other people. Everybody will be happy and not making other people unhappy.
I hope this blog can help many children to regain the natural ability to be happy and cheerful again.
The Dao is the Way in which the Nature really is. It is unnamable, but we have to give it a name so that we can try to talk about it. It is everywhere; that means it may have different meanings at different time and spaces. If we say it is good, but it is also bad in another way. If we say it is beautiful, but it is also ugly in another way. The terms good cannot exist without bad, beautiful cannot exist without ugly. There are right and wrong, useful and useless, because human thinking makes them so. The Dao encompasses everything, including the existence and non-existence, the known and also the unknown. We have to transcend above the common world if we want to understand it. We can then see reality in the Way it is and have no desire to divide reality into good and bad, beautiful and ugly, right and wrong, useful and useless, or other human ways of distinctions which are all false. We can then accept everything and reject nothing, and live in harmony with the Ways things are. You can’t put a big load into a small bag; nor can you talk to a person who believes in his own doctrines as if he is a wise man. He is bounded by his boundary. You mustn’t believe in your own thought because it may be wrong or bounded by your own boundary. You must be the master of your thought and control the “beast” from taking you for a ride, making you unhappy, or bringing you joy now but make you suffer the consequences of your madness and foolishness. Occasionally, you may use the common distinctions to test the boundary but you mustn’t become limited by the distinctions.
I think the Jedi in the Star Wars movies is a good representation of a Daoist. The character can help clear the confusion about the personal conducts of a Daoist. A Jedi has no desire. He doesn’t wear special costume or look different from ordinary people because he doesn’t want to attract attention. He lives a simple life but that doesn’t mean he has no career. He doesn’t trust the government and doesn’t want to be involved in politics of the high places but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t learn to become intelligent. He needs the intelligent for himself to maintain his sanity in an insane world; not easily fooled or swayed by both the common views and the Dark Side. He doesn’t want to be a member of the government because there is nothing for him to govern; he prefers to govern himself and let the world goes its own way. He wanders carefreely and lives effortlessly; no self-inflicted suffering to his mind. He will learn the lightsaber skill and fight the Dark Side to save the people. However, he will not think of it as an obligation nor has any guilt for failing to meet the people’s expectation. He conforms to the standard of no one, including himself. He has no desire, and no emotional attachment to anybody, including his body. Therefore, he has no fear about death. But he doesn’t wish to die because there is so much fun to live; the changes of the world are like magic shows in front of him and he is always curious to figure out what comes next. He will run for his life if necessary because he is not arrogant; the greatest courage looks cowardice. He doesn’t avoid challenges and hardships of life because he understands the Dao; highs and lows in life are natural and he doesn’t expect only highs. He has no displeasure to face the challenges and hardships. He can feel the Force (Dao); he is one with the Force (Dao), and the Force (Dao) is with him. He enjoys companionship with his fellow Jedi’s. He makes friends with common people too but there can be no emotional attachment. There is nothing he wants to keep and nothing he cannot let go. He will not claim any credit because he has no desire for honors. He wants nothing so that he has nothing to lose. He sees no difference between honors and disgraces because all human distinctions are false. He sees no difference between life and death. He comes from nothing and returns to nothing; like a child who leaves home and then returns home, with no sadness. He loses nothing; everything which he left in this world is like his footprint.
RESILIENT KID 